Please help me make right my vandalism.

Ask the villain of his sadness
and would you understand?


I often wonder what makes one man a hero and another, a villain?

If a hero is expected to manifest some virtue I will go by the directive to do what feels right; it took me a long time to be able to tell this one, for I had to fully understand both sides first—
both sides of men and their monsters.

You see, it’s like this, and that’s all.
We can do and we can say anything without analyzing the why of it-that way the entire world feels like a warm and purring treasure in our palm.

It comforts me to know broken things demand restitution. It is not what I want that scares me, but how I want it. I want to be thrown against the wall by my irrational fears.I want to be punished by my obsessive passion. I want to justify my love in believing that when it’s safe I might venture gently over the rough surface of my needs, hoping for the bruises and cuts to be minimal.

If what I feel is wrong, I apologize to myself in advance for breaking my own heart over and over again.

Know I am never subtle, for subtlety requires masking needs, that I can’t even master, let alone camouflage.
My heart is always speaking through my eyes.
I’ve found my genes and I am inherently selfish.
It is selfish- a selfish wish and even more selfish is my response of willfull surrender,
it makes me human.

But here, in this quiet, with just the scrape of my bones, one against the other, I’m not the kind of guy who’s given to outrageous games.

It is not widely known that I am only touched by softness.
And I cannot pretend I am not lonely even in an epicenter of commotion.
Extract a cell of my distress.
I don’t live for transient ecstasy nor an evolutionary drift.
My half-hearted “fuck off, forget me, I am no one” is unconvincing at best. Why? It is because I have looked into the mirror felt myself splitting apart. I grew and came to know myself. But the shadows marched in first.

—So if you will
Ask a villain of his sadness.
and would you understand?


One thought on “Please help me make right my vandalism.

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