I see you, I spite you, that you dare bear me down and threaten so much with so little. (pt.2)

Leave I-90 and merge onto I-94 to rumble through south Chicago in search of a sign.
Up there in the magnificent mile- Up there in some unplumbed space- Some cozy sit on a Friday night at the Drake, sucking down Heinekens with you until we loosen.

You laughed at my suspenders.
You’re just too cool for me.

We talked about the Death of God theory and Leonard Cohen lyrics and Purcell’s rarest operas until I became infatuated with you.

Your mind was heroic even before I fell in love with you. I shook that day. You were tender. You were a spirited thing. You whispered into my shoulder all your little sighs.
I liked the way you talked to me. Stories of broken bones. Hanging up the bullshit. Soothing me with a pressure different than force. Whispered orders but soft and on the downlow.

I’m in love with you.
I think I’m in love with you.
I want to be in love with you.

Am I in love with you? Can I love you? Can you love me? I don’t know.

I’m the shy guy who talks wildly just to impress you because I overheard you say you like guys with ‘edge.’ But you don’t care much for spectacles like that. I am finally getting the hang of this swimming with no life vest thing.

Dear beloveds, remove my training wheels let me go.
Ebola, Swine Flu, asbestos and agent orange, Backstreet Boys reunion tour; I am not afraid, Bring it on. I want you to know this-
I loved you so hard it turned into an ailment because we all know that love is a mental disease and Hell is getting absolutely everything you want without ever trying.

There is restlessness there that makes no sense to me. Like monsters we know are real but could never catch on film. I wasn’t given the chance to figure out what happened. We spend too much time keeping the dead down beneath us and we both operate under a twisted code of ethics and loose morals so, its hard to say anymore.

Night is cruel off Lake Michigan and we are laughing so much I consider pushing you down in the snow and giving you that low-key eyefuck that may or may not be boyishly charming.
Made you look, Ahh
Made you look twice
Ahh gotcha.
We looked at each other, I watched you wring your hands, and you said,

“Please don’t do anything stupid. I’ve got so much more to lose than you do.”

I kissed you.
I pull you through my mouth
between tongue and tongue
With your guava stained lips.
Never came poison from a sweeter place

Instead we greet the hotel room with gin and goosebumps, light a black cherry candle and are too drunk to care that soon the people in the room below us will be beating their ceiling after we descended into jungle animal fucking with no preliminaries-
You admire what is between my legs. I didn’t feel so alone. I stare at the spot you stare at. You are fixated and I am almost immobile. I turn red.
I fancy being the aggressor.
I’ve been saving it up for you.
My heritage needs its crimes and its religion.
You wear the smile of a woman who knows full well
gypsies steal hearts.

Remember, if this mouth were a cathedral you’d know, the more I pray, the more I want you. My psalm is crude and I speak in double entendres with a tongue you’re too nervous to understand. In awe, I surrender my fate to you, knowing if the road doesn’t get me where I want my sex certainly will. And with the gravity of taking communion you confess your regrets like accusations more fashionable and reckless than they have nuance.
My eucharist dissolves on your tongue with an intake of breath. I don’t know what you were doing to me but you did something.

“It’s a need.” you said, “maybe even a death wish.”

I thought you would howl but you kept silent when you came. Deep throating without a whimper. After sex, my shame looks like my cum on your chest. Shimmering from a freshly tapped vessel.

+

When you left the next morning, I locked the door then sat on the edge of the bed and hyperventilated.

There is a bible on nearly every shelf on nearly every subject
but not love.
If there was, I’d keep it in the drawer next to my bed like a gun until the radical gesture of holding would blow away all my misgivings.
The danger could get worse at night if others dared to trespass the chapters.
If we love, we can intimidate.
In love, we can instill fear.
Too acid to ignore. Too precious to remove.

Every part of me is alive when I look at you and I sigh as though I have been blind and breathless my whole life. Only to feel your presence more than I ever have or ever will understand the oceans or the forests of heartstrings that I have spent years impossibly occupying. Because when you are around I speak quietly; I am apprehensive and more than anything
you
are
here.

Sometimes I go to church.
Sometimes I believe in ‘us’ instead.
I cringe at the orthodoxy. I want the universal blessing and the opportunity to fight.
Nobody warned me about how much this would hurt but my exhaustion is no excuse to lose you.

This is not an intellectual failure nor the poverty of my imagination.
This is amnesia that binds me to animals and reinforces my own inalienable right to suffer the rabid jaws of love.
We are the anticipated car crash.
Sharp overhangs, steep cliffs, mangled limbs, beautiful bloody vistas where the summoned vultures dine.

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11 thoughts on “I see you, I spite you, that you dare bear me down and threaten so much with so little. (pt.2)

    • Ahhh I appreciate you.
      I think “good” is subjective but being an honest writer seems like it has more gravity. I’d rather be honest than good any day. It pleases me to know that you can feel what I feel through what I write. If you aren’t aching when I’m aching, it’s not worth it to me.

      Like

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